My phone buzzed the other day… I had a text. Enlightened that I saw it was from a close childhood friend. I was very eager to see what she had to see because we had not talked for awhile. My heart sunk and my mind instantly raced when I read the message.
The text read that another one of my childhood friend’s mother was very ill and needed prayer. Her life was coming to an end… I stood in silence for moments. My heart was being tugged, my thoughts were at war. A deep sadness for my friend, but a deeper sadness for myself.
I had not heard her name for over 15 years. My thoughts rushed back to myself as a very young little girl. Confronted with a grown woman pointing, laughing and calling me “two ton Tillie”. Now this woman was on her death bed, and God was telling me to forgive and pray for her. Here is my journey….
For the last year I have been struggling with weight loss and myself image has grown to blurry once again. Being sick and having found out that my thyroid was not working gave me hope that I could finally drop the excess weight. My hopes where high, I ate the right foods and exercised more. However, soon I was discouraged when I only had lost no more than my body had ever fluctuated.
I have been angry that all my efforts did not get me success but only defeat. My spirit has been trampled and crushed. I was aware that my thoughts were getting overwhelmed with what to eat, what not to eat, starring in the mirror and not liking what I see. Then back to eating whatever that I felt because my weight just stayed the same. My sadness, my anger, my defeat, and my self-hatred (because I just ate more) makes me eat more.
I could see that God was telling me that I needed to confront and conquer this problem that was becoming out of control. I could see that God was loving me the same, dropping convections into my life. I still struggled with food, and my hope was fading.
Then came the text… with no disrespect, I secretly hoped the words… two ton Tillie … would vanish with her passing. However, it didn’t. I prayed for her and my childhood friend. But honestly I prayed more for myself. And the little girl that still lives inside of me.
I know that at this time, I have been placing the words… two ton Tillie… neatly in my self image baggage, you know in the place where it is hidden. Having it’s presence but not seen or dealt with. I understand that not all people see me this way ( thank God, lol), it is how I see myself. It has been an issue all my life. I don't ever remember not using food as a crutch and not being happy with my body. I do think this experience has showed me that it is time to make that change.
I understand the fight has just began. Those three words are going to become empowering to me instead of defeating... I know with God, I will conquer and win this battle. For His strength is all I have…
Mat 26:41 (NIV) "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
The text read that another one of my childhood friend’s mother was very ill and needed prayer. Her life was coming to an end… I stood in silence for moments. My heart was being tugged, my thoughts were at war. A deep sadness for my friend, but a deeper sadness for myself.
I had not heard her name for over 15 years. My thoughts rushed back to myself as a very young little girl. Confronted with a grown woman pointing, laughing and calling me “two ton Tillie”. Now this woman was on her death bed, and God was telling me to forgive and pray for her. Here is my journey….
For the last year I have been struggling with weight loss and myself image has grown to blurry once again. Being sick and having found out that my thyroid was not working gave me hope that I could finally drop the excess weight. My hopes where high, I ate the right foods and exercised more. However, soon I was discouraged when I only had lost no more than my body had ever fluctuated.
I have been angry that all my efforts did not get me success but only defeat. My spirit has been trampled and crushed. I was aware that my thoughts were getting overwhelmed with what to eat, what not to eat, starring in the mirror and not liking what I see. Then back to eating whatever that I felt because my weight just stayed the same. My sadness, my anger, my defeat, and my self-hatred (because I just ate more) makes me eat more.
I could see that God was telling me that I needed to confront and conquer this problem that was becoming out of control. I could see that God was loving me the same, dropping convections into my life. I still struggled with food, and my hope was fading.
Then came the text… with no disrespect, I secretly hoped the words… two ton Tillie … would vanish with her passing. However, it didn’t. I prayed for her and my childhood friend. But honestly I prayed more for myself. And the little girl that still lives inside of me.
I know that at this time, I have been placing the words… two ton Tillie… neatly in my self image baggage, you know in the place where it is hidden. Having it’s presence but not seen or dealt with. I understand that not all people see me this way ( thank God, lol), it is how I see myself. It has been an issue all my life. I don't ever remember not using food as a crutch and not being happy with my body. I do think this experience has showed me that it is time to make that change.
I understand the fight has just began. Those three words are going to become empowering to me instead of defeating... I know with God, I will conquer and win this battle. For His strength is all I have…
Mat 26:41 (NIV) "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
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