I learnt as a new Christian that having peace was the way to tell that you were in God’s will. Many times I have had peace in the storms, and with answered questions. The presence of God’s peace is where I would like to be at all time. It is as though there is a loving arm wrapped around you.. Loving, protecting, … and trust me, nothing else matters.
I recently had a new reality… it was STRESS!! Go with me on my journey…
I can admit that I have been really good about stress management ever since I have become a Christian. I know when to lay my burdens down, manage my time and to say “NO”. When I feel stressed, I step back to analyze my life to see what is causing it. Then take the steps to remove it. However, this time it came slowly and silently….
I had been needing to purchase a new vehicle for about six months. My trusty Aztec was needing a little repair, also our family of six could not ride all together because of it only having five seats. The Windstar van that I bought a couple of years back was getting closer to failing each time I drove it. It was a ticking time bomb…. Tick tick.
I started looking for vehicles, but each time my stomach started turning and I would give up. The nausea and headaches didn’t seem to be very apparent until the day that I lost reverse in the van and knew that I had to get a different vehicle, I couldn’t postpone it any longer.
Over the time, I had asked God for direction and confirmation, I keep hearing God say, “ I will let you choice.. I will help you provide for it.” So I would start the mission of looking at vehicles, confident and excited. To find myself, depressed and sick to my stomach.
At one time I thought that I was not trusting God, but I had no reason not to. When I purchased the Aztec, it was handed to me and paid in full by God. And that time I wasn’t even looking for a new vehicle because I knew I couldn’t afford it and didn’t want to strain the family budget. Trusting God was not the issue…
Each time I sat in the van, which was a purchase that I did. I didn’t care what God thought.. I am sure that I didn’t even ask. I bought it because of wrong reasons, and bought it even thought the salesman was trying to talk me out of it. Duh!! But that only shows how strong my motivation for buying it was. After signing the agreement, I felt bad each time I would drive it, I was not confident that it would get the family to destinations and each time I drove it something else went wrong with it.
I started along time ago doing my homework… I knew what type of vehicle that I would need for the family, I knew that the budget I needed to stay in, I researched different types and looked and prayed often. But that was not enough for me to gain the peace I was looking for. I keep hearing God say.. “it’s time and I am going to back your choice.” My stress level was to the point that it was very apparent. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was going on with the God’s and my relationship. I knew that there had to be lack of trust or obedience. All that came to me was more STRESS. I just knew I couldn’t buy it without the peace. I knew that I didn’t want to buy another version of the van.
Sitting with my stomach turning, God so softly whispered to me.. “You asked me to forgive you for your actions in buying the van, now it is time to forgive yourself.” How could I forgive myself??… I was mad, embarrassed, and frustrated at myself for doing such a foolish thing. I can admit I festered on the advice that God had given me, for a few days, that is until I got tired of being stressed.
In my own way… I forgave myself. That is not without chewing myself out and telling myself how disappointed I am. But forgiveness came… And the peace settled in.
I never knew that I was carrying stress around for such a long time. I never would of thought it was because I held on to my stupid action, so tightly and would not let myself of the hook and forget about it. The stress was effecting other parts of my life. The decision to forgive myself lifted so much weight off and cleared the fog from my eyes. I smile today with a vehicle that I had asked God for, to every detail. Knowing the best part of it is the PEACE…
After thought: I challenge you to think about the bad choices that you have made and see if you are still holding on to them. God will forget our sins if we ask Him to, and never look back. We need to take and do the same for ourselves.
God Bless
Matthew 6:12 And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.
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