MY Will be Done
My Pastor in sermon on Sunday said… IF you don’t past the tests that God has for you, He will allow you to take them again. I have sat and pondered on that statement. If you think about it, that is a good reason that we tend to have the same old situations in our lives. We seem not to get the point, it’s insanity, Right. When we do the same thing over and over, thinking that we are going to get a different result.
I also think that we tend to make our own ways, because we know best. I must of missed living a normal teenage life. I seem to get that little cocky attitude with the song from Bon Jovi… “IT’S MY LIFE, it’s Now or Never” screaming in my head. A funny thing is a line of that songs is : “Tomorrow is getting harder make no mistake. Luck ain’t even lucky, gotta make your own mistakes.” Mistakes, I have done. Tests, I have taken more than once. Here is one of my retakes:
As my divorce was finalized, I met this new co worker. I real cute male co worker. <wink wink> Yeah, test number one, started with <wink wink>. At this time, I was a new Christian. My thirst for God was very intense. I was looking to know Him, searching Him out and wanting so much to do His will. My heart was broken by the division of my family. Meeting this new man gave me hope for the future.
Quickly as time past, this co worker and I ‘hooked up’. Even though, I was attracted to the attention, this man drove me, nuts. I need to say that different: HE DROVE ME, NUTS!!! Yeah, that is in a bad way. He would fill me with sweet nothings and move on to avoidance. I was confused, anxious, sad, happy, and content all rolled into one missed up burrito. This relationship was a quick one, because he just disappeared. He didn’t return to work, no phone calls, no nothing. The last time, I saw him, we prayed together by his suggestion. I can’t recite the whole prayer but it was about us and as time past that God would grow us together.
Test one failed, right out of the shoots I fell off the bull into the cow pie. I had not listened and followed God’s rules every well.
Five years later, I got this call in the middle of the night. Which was true to his nature, my friends called him, my mid night stalker for a reason. Five years, had past I had become closer in my walk with God. I had not dated, even held hands with another man. My focus and goal was to wait on my future husband. When I received this call, 2 things popped into my head. That prayer and my journal entries that I made from the last time, I had saw him.
My heart was joyful when he recalled how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. I instantly thought God had to bring him back into my life for a reason. I knew how much I grew in the last passing years and assumed that he had too.
God’s soft presence would not leave me alone about the journals though. My curiosity became strong and I went in hunt for what God was saying. I no more opened the page and the journal entry said.
<<<FOR FUTURE REFERENCE>>> God has placed the word “deceiver” on his head. Here is a scripture that the Lord handed me about this relationship. Go from his presence, do not delay when the matter is unpleasant, for he does whatever he pleases. Ecclesiastes 8:3 (RSV)
I gently laid the journal down. Not knowing at the time, I was making a decision on how I would answer the test question. I held the scripture close to my heart and keep him away for a month. That must be how long it took for the Bon Jovi’s song to take over. The sweet nothings were flattering, my trust was building, and then we saw each other in person.
Within moments of agreeing to try, I was right back to the confusion. The emotions spanned the spectrum and that is not a good roller coaster to ride. I reread the journal entries, that where written shortly after and they say and I quote “ I feel as though I am being deceived.” REALLY, nuts, I say. My will is very determined and sometimes out lasts common sense. I have to admit, I stuck with it. God told me what to expect if I choose to go that way. I completely ignored that road and took my own route. I just realized it’s like me yelling at LOLA, which is our GPS. I seem to think I have the right directions. But man I have been lost more than once and I thank God that GPSs and God don’t say I told you so.
I finally set boundaries and he was not wanting to be a part of it. He drove off in a dust cloud one night and called one a few weeks later to hear my response, “You got to be joking me.” I haven’t heard from him, and I don’t know if that test was passed.
All I can say is that I learnt from this experience. I hope that if I am tested again, I will be able to pass without any troubles. I just thank God for His mercy, and grace. For loving me when my common sense is absent. It is empowering to know that we can make the choices that seem to suit our goals, dreams, or whims. But I also know that I am the first on my knees saying, Why God, why am I here, get me out of this situation.
God has placed the road sign up for us, we just have to start following them.
Isaiah 55:7-9 (NIV)7 Let the wicked forsake his way
and the evil man his thoughts.
Let him turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on him,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.
9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
September 20, 2010
September 18, 2010
God's Hands of Comfort
God’s hand of Comfort
After a long week of work and a fun filled Saturday, I arrive home to find a message on my computer that yanks on my arrow in my heart. I sit trying to be strong but the tears run down my face. Why o why don’t God remove those hurts and wipe away those tears? Why do we have to go through the pain?
I have learnt how each arrow shot into my heart, tends to never disappear, no matter how much I try to avoid them. They get lodged deeper and cause more time pain over time.
No matter if it is from a painful childhood struggle, molestation, the ugly mouth of a childhood bully, a disappointing divorce, or a daily reminder of past choices. Until the arrow is removed the wound will not heal. The torment will not stop. The pain will not be taken away.
I have so many times, taken the road of numbing the pain that comes from those hurts that are so deeply imbedded. If I was to turn on the television, call a friend, or get caught in a way of keeping my brain busy so I didn‘t have to think about it. It is a way to cope. I have lived many years, not thinking about it, denying that it was there. It seemed to always relieve the pain until the next time, which seemed to always never stay away long.
On my journey, I learned that these arrows are allowed to be shot into your heart, for more than one reason. To make me stronger, to make me able to relate to the lost and hurting, and because we live in a fallen world. Knowing that does not make the pain lessen but it gives me encouragement, to know that there is a purpose.
I have learnt when an arrow is being tugged on, I don’t run from dealing with it. I run to God and say here I am. Take me through it and heal me. God is my refugee, my comforter, my strength. I am honored to know that He loves me enough to be there in my heartache. He has never left me alone, He has never said that He didn’t have time or He never has said I wasn’t worthy.
My dear friend, if it was easy what would we get out of it? If I didn’t live it and experience it from start to finish, how could I be the person I am today? I am so thankful that I know the Healer, the Comforter, and the One that LOVES me UNCONDITIONALY. For I am not giving up, giving in or running any longer.
Psalms 25:16-21
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
I am posting "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne. For you to listen to with this post. I pray that you run to God in all times and that you find your arrows removed by His’ loving hands. God bless you always.
After a long week of work and a fun filled Saturday, I arrive home to find a message on my computer that yanks on my arrow in my heart. I sit trying to be strong but the tears run down my face. Why o why don’t God remove those hurts and wipe away those tears? Why do we have to go through the pain?
I have learnt how each arrow shot into my heart, tends to never disappear, no matter how much I try to avoid them. They get lodged deeper and cause more time pain over time.
No matter if it is from a painful childhood struggle, molestation, the ugly mouth of a childhood bully, a disappointing divorce, or a daily reminder of past choices. Until the arrow is removed the wound will not heal. The torment will not stop. The pain will not be taken away.
I have so many times, taken the road of numbing the pain that comes from those hurts that are so deeply imbedded. If I was to turn on the television, call a friend, or get caught in a way of keeping my brain busy so I didn‘t have to think about it. It is a way to cope. I have lived many years, not thinking about it, denying that it was there. It seemed to always relieve the pain until the next time, which seemed to always never stay away long.
On my journey, I learned that these arrows are allowed to be shot into your heart, for more than one reason. To make me stronger, to make me able to relate to the lost and hurting, and because we live in a fallen world. Knowing that does not make the pain lessen but it gives me encouragement, to know that there is a purpose.
I have learnt when an arrow is being tugged on, I don’t run from dealing with it. I run to God and say here I am. Take me through it and heal me. God is my refugee, my comforter, my strength. I am honored to know that He loves me enough to be there in my heartache. He has never left me alone, He has never said that He didn’t have time or He never has said I wasn’t worthy.
My dear friend, if it was easy what would we get out of it? If I didn’t live it and experience it from start to finish, how could I be the person I am today? I am so thankful that I know the Healer, the Comforter, and the One that LOVES me UNCONDITIONALY. For I am not giving up, giving in or running any longer.
Psalms 25:16-21
16 Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
17 The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
18 Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
19 See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
20 Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in you.
21 May integrity and uprightness protect me,
because my hope is in you.
I am posting "Sometimes He Calms the Storm" by Scott Krippayne. For you to listen to with this post. I pray that you run to God in all times and that you find your arrows removed by His’ loving hands. God bless you always.
September 15, 2010
Wedding Story (3 minute version)
Yesterday, I was going through some court records, and I found this testimony that I wrote when I was married. I giggle because my ex husband tried to use it as evidence that I was a church freak and an alcoholic ( his exact words). I giggle because God throughout this journey showed me every step that He was right there with me by silly things like this. :0)
Anyway, the original is 6 pages long. I condensed it but did not change it at all. I will tell you the other parts as time goes on. Let the journey begin…
Written July 25, 2003
Before I start with my story, I pray that you are blessed for reading this and you find comfort and strength within it. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, married or single, walking with Christ or non-believer, I think this story has been passed to you for a reason. There is too many of us that is living, has lived, or knows of someone living my story. As I tell my story, I am telling you it with my truths and it is written from my heart. My intentions are not to offend anyone. With that said, here it goes…
I am a 29 year old, married mother. I have two natural born children and 4 stepchildren. I have known my husband for 9 years and 1 week as of today. We will be married 7 years on September 21st. And we have been separated for 1 ½ years to this day. What went wrong? How did we get to this point? Well, I could write many lists of our wrongs. I could point the finger in many directions. However, there is only ONE ANSWER. I know you are looking for me to tell you the answer right now. But, I think you need to hear more of my story.
My husband and I have always had a great love for one another and a perfect bond. Throughout the years, our troubles got worse and we built walls around ourselves that gotten stronger and higher as the time has passed. We both became very angry people, miserable in fact. We both agreed something had to change but we didn’t know how to change it.
About 6 months before our separation our house was getting pretty rough. In result, my miseries lead me back to my roots. At an early age I was taught 2 things:
1. Believe in God and God will provide.
2. Ask God and God will answer prayers.
I remember one day, I fell to my knees and prayed… “God, Help me. Show me that there is something better.” I know that this was a starting point of my journey.
It brought me to the point of moving out, December 22nd, 2001. In fact, my husband was out of town at his families Christmas. He returned to an empty house. I know that you are asking why? I ask that myself many times…. I know that I was at my lowest part of my Codependency, which was my own living hell. I had hit rock bottom, so I had closed my eyes hoping to be lead by someone or something, where I don’t know? After the move, I woke up to the emptiness and loneness. During the time my codependency was the strongest, I viewed my husband and my mother to be my strengths, without them I didn’t function. In the transaction, I was leaving my one strength ( my husband) and my other ( my mother) had found a new love in her life and moved on. Oh, don’t think that I am looking for sympathy or that I am mad. I know that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. This was one of my turning points.
Well, back to my husband, you could image he was devastated when he returned home. Who could blame him? Even though I am deeply sorry now for hurting him. At the time, I was filled with my own hurt. That hurt was my only focus. It blinded me from seeing what was going to happen in result.
After the first days of separation, we were both at a loss. We had attended a counseling session with in the first few months. My husband says that it didn’t do anything for him but we have to agree that it changed our lives. Within the session, I was handed a book called Codependency: No More and Beyond Codependency. This started my road to recovery.
In June, shortly after counseling, my husband wanted to get a divorce. I will admit I saw it as a way to get away from the pain. Removing my wedding ring, I filed for the divorce. By July, my life didn’t mean anything. Even though filing for the divorce gave me a since of freedom, I didn’t care. My family was breaking up, I was a failure at my marriage, and I had no sight of a future. My light at the end of the tunnel had burnt out. At one point, I debated taking my own life. I got to the point that I was drunk if I wasn’t with my kids or at work. My walk down the wrong path is nothing I would boast about today. Many things happened that I regret. This lasted 3 months, then, one wild night put the fear of God in me.
I knew that the path that I was taking was not the way I wanted to walk and knew God was the place to start. I started attending church even though it was hard to get there every Sunday. It was hard to pray and see how God was working in my life. Oh, the fears I had. I didn’t know the bible, I was scared someone would ask me about my faith, I believed in God. I have since I was a little girl. After a couple of months playing church, I was saved on a night when I was alone watching the Christian television channel. By the end, I was on the ground weeping, It was the night I asked God to rule my life. It was the night I found my new strength. I can do all everything through Jesus Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13. Even though I can’t tell you the date, I will always remember that moment.
After I started my walk with Jesus, and relying on our Heavenly Father. I saw that my marriage was headed into the wrong direction… I learned that God does not send hurt and pain into our lives, just challenges that strengthens us. I realized that my marriage conflicts were there to make me stronger. I desired to do God’s will because my life was now His. It made life easier because my faith was with Him. He gave me peace. For God alone my soul waits in silence because my hope is from Him. Psalms 62:5
My marriage has always been a big subject in my prayers and this last April after going back and forth, time and time, with my husband. He wanted to get the divorce and get it over with. My heart was crushed and I got on my knees weeping and begging to our Heavenly Father for an answer on what I should do. Wanting God to be so loud that I couldn’t miss the answer. It happened this way… The next day, was determined that I was going to church just to get comfort. I couldn’t get through the introduction music without weeping. The sermon happened to be about Satan’s Attacks on Marriage and within I got my sign. My prayers were answered, so LOUD, my answer was there. It was so amazing my tears left and a peace and smile came to me. I knew what God wanted me to do. The passage was from Malachi 2:13-16 within the passage the words” I hate divorce, said the Lord”. It was so loud, so strong . Our God of love would hate something. That is powerful. God even preaches to love our enemies. Matthew 5:43-48. So that means God loves Satan but hates divorce. Isn’t that too powerful.
After church, I returned home to place my wedding ring back onto my finger and determined to live out my Heavenly Fathers will. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed. I prayed for my husband, my family, myself, for Christian support, and the knowledge of what to do. If you couldn’t figure out what went wrong in our marriage. We didn’t have God. Our marriage was a covenant formed under God. Where we went wrong is that we didn’t have a family based on God’s roles of marriage.
As of today, my husband wants the divorce to happen. I see him still hurting though. Which makes it hard for him to find forgiveness. I think he is focusing on his hurt, as I did before. I know that he can’t see that the family is hurting also. My husband fears that we will go back to the “way we were” and I believe that too. That is without God and the counsel and support of others. I can’t tell you, today if our marriage is going to work or if my husband will ever try. We have a trail date coming up in 6 months to dissolve the marriage. Our time is limited. But it comforts me to know that our marriage is in God’s hands and in the long run it all will be alright.
I love the last sentence of that story. It will be alright because it is in God’s hands. I love it so much because, even though my husband was granted the divorce on August 14, 2004, with a no contest judgment, with God’s mercy and love everything has been all right.
Anyway, the original is 6 pages long. I condensed it but did not change it at all. I will tell you the other parts as time goes on. Let the journey begin…
Written July 25, 2003
Before I start with my story, I pray that you are blessed for reading this and you find comfort and strength within it. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman, married or single, walking with Christ or non-believer, I think this story has been passed to you for a reason. There is too many of us that is living, has lived, or knows of someone living my story. As I tell my story, I am telling you it with my truths and it is written from my heart. My intentions are not to offend anyone. With that said, here it goes…
I am a 29 year old, married mother. I have two natural born children and 4 stepchildren. I have known my husband for 9 years and 1 week as of today. We will be married 7 years on September 21st. And we have been separated for 1 ½ years to this day. What went wrong? How did we get to this point? Well, I could write many lists of our wrongs. I could point the finger in many directions. However, there is only ONE ANSWER. I know you are looking for me to tell you the answer right now. But, I think you need to hear more of my story.
My husband and I have always had a great love for one another and a perfect bond. Throughout the years, our troubles got worse and we built walls around ourselves that gotten stronger and higher as the time has passed. We both became very angry people, miserable in fact. We both agreed something had to change but we didn’t know how to change it.
About 6 months before our separation our house was getting pretty rough. In result, my miseries lead me back to my roots. At an early age I was taught 2 things:
1. Believe in God and God will provide.
2. Ask God and God will answer prayers.
I remember one day, I fell to my knees and prayed… “God, Help me. Show me that there is something better.” I know that this was a starting point of my journey.
It brought me to the point of moving out, December 22nd, 2001. In fact, my husband was out of town at his families Christmas. He returned to an empty house. I know that you are asking why? I ask that myself many times…. I know that I was at my lowest part of my Codependency, which was my own living hell. I had hit rock bottom, so I had closed my eyes hoping to be lead by someone or something, where I don’t know? After the move, I woke up to the emptiness and loneness. During the time my codependency was the strongest, I viewed my husband and my mother to be my strengths, without them I didn’t function. In the transaction, I was leaving my one strength ( my husband) and my other ( my mother) had found a new love in her life and moved on. Oh, don’t think that I am looking for sympathy or that I am mad. I know that it was the best thing that could of happened to me. This was one of my turning points.
Well, back to my husband, you could image he was devastated when he returned home. Who could blame him? Even though I am deeply sorry now for hurting him. At the time, I was filled with my own hurt. That hurt was my only focus. It blinded me from seeing what was going to happen in result.
After the first days of separation, we were both at a loss. We had attended a counseling session with in the first few months. My husband says that it didn’t do anything for him but we have to agree that it changed our lives. Within the session, I was handed a book called Codependency: No More and Beyond Codependency. This started my road to recovery.
In June, shortly after counseling, my husband wanted to get a divorce. I will admit I saw it as a way to get away from the pain. Removing my wedding ring, I filed for the divorce. By July, my life didn’t mean anything. Even though filing for the divorce gave me a since of freedom, I didn’t care. My family was breaking up, I was a failure at my marriage, and I had no sight of a future. My light at the end of the tunnel had burnt out. At one point, I debated taking my own life. I got to the point that I was drunk if I wasn’t with my kids or at work. My walk down the wrong path is nothing I would boast about today. Many things happened that I regret. This lasted 3 months, then, one wild night put the fear of God in me.
I knew that the path that I was taking was not the way I wanted to walk and knew God was the place to start. I started attending church even though it was hard to get there every Sunday. It was hard to pray and see how God was working in my life. Oh, the fears I had. I didn’t know the bible, I was scared someone would ask me about my faith, I believed in God. I have since I was a little girl. After a couple of months playing church, I was saved on a night when I was alone watching the Christian television channel. By the end, I was on the ground weeping, It was the night I asked God to rule my life. It was the night I found my new strength. I can do all everything through Jesus Christ who gives me strength. Philippians 4:13. Even though I can’t tell you the date, I will always remember that moment.
After I started my walk with Jesus, and relying on our Heavenly Father. I saw that my marriage was headed into the wrong direction… I learned that God does not send hurt and pain into our lives, just challenges that strengthens us. I realized that my marriage conflicts were there to make me stronger. I desired to do God’s will because my life was now His. It made life easier because my faith was with Him. He gave me peace. For God alone my soul waits in silence because my hope is from Him. Psalms 62:5
My marriage has always been a big subject in my prayers and this last April after going back and forth, time and time, with my husband. He wanted to get the divorce and get it over with. My heart was crushed and I got on my knees weeping and begging to our Heavenly Father for an answer on what I should do. Wanting God to be so loud that I couldn’t miss the answer. It happened this way… The next day, was determined that I was going to church just to get comfort. I couldn’t get through the introduction music without weeping. The sermon happened to be about Satan’s Attacks on Marriage and within I got my sign. My prayers were answered, so LOUD, my answer was there. It was so amazing my tears left and a peace and smile came to me. I knew what God wanted me to do. The passage was from Malachi 2:13-16 within the passage the words” I hate divorce, said the Lord”. It was so loud, so strong . Our God of love would hate something. That is powerful. God even preaches to love our enemies. Matthew 5:43-48. So that means God loves Satan but hates divorce. Isn’t that too powerful.
After church, I returned home to place my wedding ring back onto my finger and determined to live out my Heavenly Fathers will. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed. I prayed for my husband, my family, myself, for Christian support, and the knowledge of what to do. If you couldn’t figure out what went wrong in our marriage. We didn’t have God. Our marriage was a covenant formed under God. Where we went wrong is that we didn’t have a family based on God’s roles of marriage.
As of today, my husband wants the divorce to happen. I see him still hurting though. Which makes it hard for him to find forgiveness. I think he is focusing on his hurt, as I did before. I know that he can’t see that the family is hurting also. My husband fears that we will go back to the “way we were” and I believe that too. That is without God and the counsel and support of others. I can’t tell you, today if our marriage is going to work or if my husband will ever try. We have a trail date coming up in 6 months to dissolve the marriage. Our time is limited. But it comforts me to know that our marriage is in God’s hands and in the long run it all will be alright.
I love the last sentence of that story. It will be alright because it is in God’s hands. I love it so much because, even though my husband was granted the divorce on August 14, 2004, with a no contest judgment, with God’s mercy and love everything has been all right.
September 13, 2010
His' Eyes
For my convections and past experiences, I choice not to go to bars. Even though, I do find myself in one on an average once a year. I believe that God sends me there in remembrance of why I should not invest into these venues. My experience in the last 8 years have been: a fun time with friends, maybe some dancing and going home knowing I don’t want to return. Until this last time, God showed me something different. Here is my journey:
I get a message on the trusty face book, with an invitation from a group of my dear girl friends from way back. We all were getting together for a “Girls night out.” OH, how I need my girls... I live with five boys at this time, and MY testosterone level was getting too high. I honestly believe that my facial hair was getting thicker and my voice deeper.
My prayer on any of these occasions would be like: Lord, let the travel be save, and let ME not do anything that is wrong in your eyes. This time, as I got in my car with Jason Upton as loud as he could sing, I started into my 2 hour drive. I really enjoy this time with the Lord, I am in my own little world with my Creator. I wish at this point, I could say that I saw the heavens part and I could see the angels singing. No, that is not what happened.
I arrived refreshed and prepared to have a fun “ Girls night out.” After dinner, the plan was to go to the bar and see what we could find. <wink wink> As most bars we arrived to a slow pace and half of the patrons trying to get drunk and the other half already plastered. As always, I love watching people.
Within the first, ten minutes I had determined that in the crowd that night was a really drunk woman that was dancing like, ok I will say it, as though she was an exotic dancer, a group of guys that must of just got off work, whom were looking to get a little drunk and get a little girl and some regular attenders. I was prewarned that a guy that I went to elementary with would probably be one of those joining the crowd.
I have not seen this man for 23 years. But after stumbling a few seconds he remembered my name. It brought back memories of elementary and this cute little boy that was with high energy. As we sat and talked I didn’t see that innocence anymore. I saw a man that was so deeply hurt by life. I could see the tears well in his eyes when he spoke of not being able to have children and how his long term girlfriend left with the only children he knew.
His laughter tended to hide the pain and the drinks seemed to relieve the memories for the time. After talking with him, his direction placed me in a direct relationship with him and he already had us as lovers and maybe even long term partners. I will admit, I became offend as the time past. I even remember saying ”please, stop groping me.” He tried very hard for us, his classmates, to continue the evening with him.
However, the girls night out ended by parting our ways, for I had a 2 hour drive home. I said my goodbyes and settled into my car with Jason Upton singing so softly in the background. (Jason is so obedient. Lol)
I drove down the road and started to relive the nights events in my head. I smiled and even giggled out loud a couple times.
Then something happened, God gave me his eyes to see what He saw that night in that bar. I was taken back to my fellow classmate. I started to see pain that was imbedded deep into his very being. My heart could feel the pain, the hurt, and the loneliness. I remembered his eyes, the place that showed it all. I remember a couple of times stopping for mere seconds, caught in his eyes. The pathway to the soul. I could feel his desire to forget, to cope, and to find fulfillment for the hole that is so overwhelmingly large.
God whispered to me as so many time He does… Ann, you may be offended tonight by his actions but my child is lost and hurting. You might of saw my daughter as a pole dancer, my other sons as players, but Ann, they have not found me. Look though my eyes, and see what I see. My heart cries because my children don’t know me.
I sit here in front of my computer, with tears in my eyes. I have been exactly in the place of my classmate. Alcohol numbed the pain and the memories. A bar gave me hope that there would be someone that would come and fulfill the hole in my deep being. The three months that I chased this reality, I never found any thing but a quick fix and always found more pain in the morning.
I was a lucky one that it was such a short period of time. God cried out and I heard him. Over the last 8 years, He has ministered to so much of my pain. My heart is being healed and I have found that HE IS THE ONLY ONETHING THAT WILL FILL THAT HOLE, everything else is temporary.
I wish I could say that I talked my classmate into knowing God. I wish I could even say that I seen the people in that bar that night with the loving eyes of God. I didn’t. I might of lost that opportunity for you… YES, YOU the one that is reading this blog.
No matter where you are in life, there is pain in your heart. God, our father, wants to tell you that He is calling your name. Listen…. He is there waiting for you to hear Him. He is ready to fill the hole and mend your heart. Cry out to Him and allow Him to rescue you.
The only way I see to end this post is with a prayer:
Dear Heavenly father, I ask that you be with your children that desperately need you to fill them. Show them that no sin is to big or that there is nothing to wrong. That you love them unconditionally. And that they are worthy of it. I ask, oh heavenly Father, that you will show them how you see them though your eyes. May my classmate hear your voice, along with all the other bar patrons. Also, Lord I have a friend that sits here tonight reading this post that needs to hear from you too. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness, your forgiveness and your grace. Thank you for letting me hear and healing my heart and doing the same with all your children that will listen and cry out to you. I give all glory to you. In Jesus name I pray.. Amen
Psalm 91:14-15 (NIV)
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
I get a message on the trusty face book, with an invitation from a group of my dear girl friends from way back. We all were getting together for a “Girls night out.” OH, how I need my girls... I live with five boys at this time, and MY testosterone level was getting too high. I honestly believe that my facial hair was getting thicker and my voice deeper.
My prayer on any of these occasions would be like: Lord, let the travel be save, and let ME not do anything that is wrong in your eyes. This time, as I got in my car with Jason Upton as loud as he could sing, I started into my 2 hour drive. I really enjoy this time with the Lord, I am in my own little world with my Creator. I wish at this point, I could say that I saw the heavens part and I could see the angels singing. No, that is not what happened.
I arrived refreshed and prepared to have a fun “ Girls night out.” After dinner, the plan was to go to the bar and see what we could find. <wink wink> As most bars we arrived to a slow pace and half of the patrons trying to get drunk and the other half already plastered. As always, I love watching people.
Within the first, ten minutes I had determined that in the crowd that night was a really drunk woman that was dancing like, ok I will say it, as though she was an exotic dancer, a group of guys that must of just got off work, whom were looking to get a little drunk and get a little girl and some regular attenders. I was prewarned that a guy that I went to elementary with would probably be one of those joining the crowd.
I have not seen this man for 23 years. But after stumbling a few seconds he remembered my name. It brought back memories of elementary and this cute little boy that was with high energy. As we sat and talked I didn’t see that innocence anymore. I saw a man that was so deeply hurt by life. I could see the tears well in his eyes when he spoke of not being able to have children and how his long term girlfriend left with the only children he knew.
His laughter tended to hide the pain and the drinks seemed to relieve the memories for the time. After talking with him, his direction placed me in a direct relationship with him and he already had us as lovers and maybe even long term partners. I will admit, I became offend as the time past. I even remember saying ”please, stop groping me.” He tried very hard for us, his classmates, to continue the evening with him.
However, the girls night out ended by parting our ways, for I had a 2 hour drive home. I said my goodbyes and settled into my car with Jason Upton singing so softly in the background. (Jason is so obedient. Lol)
I drove down the road and started to relive the nights events in my head. I smiled and even giggled out loud a couple times.
Then something happened, God gave me his eyes to see what He saw that night in that bar. I was taken back to my fellow classmate. I started to see pain that was imbedded deep into his very being. My heart could feel the pain, the hurt, and the loneliness. I remembered his eyes, the place that showed it all. I remember a couple of times stopping for mere seconds, caught in his eyes. The pathway to the soul. I could feel his desire to forget, to cope, and to find fulfillment for the hole that is so overwhelmingly large.
God whispered to me as so many time He does… Ann, you may be offended tonight by his actions but my child is lost and hurting. You might of saw my daughter as a pole dancer, my other sons as players, but Ann, they have not found me. Look though my eyes, and see what I see. My heart cries because my children don’t know me.
I sit here in front of my computer, with tears in my eyes. I have been exactly in the place of my classmate. Alcohol numbed the pain and the memories. A bar gave me hope that there would be someone that would come and fulfill the hole in my deep being. The three months that I chased this reality, I never found any thing but a quick fix and always found more pain in the morning.
I was a lucky one that it was such a short period of time. God cried out and I heard him. Over the last 8 years, He has ministered to so much of my pain. My heart is being healed and I have found that HE IS THE ONLY ONETHING THAT WILL FILL THAT HOLE, everything else is temporary.
I wish I could say that I talked my classmate into knowing God. I wish I could even say that I seen the people in that bar that night with the loving eyes of God. I didn’t. I might of lost that opportunity for you… YES, YOU the one that is reading this blog.
No matter where you are in life, there is pain in your heart. God, our father, wants to tell you that He is calling your name. Listen…. He is there waiting for you to hear Him. He is ready to fill the hole and mend your heart. Cry out to Him and allow Him to rescue you.
The only way I see to end this post is with a prayer:
Dear Heavenly father, I ask that you be with your children that desperately need you to fill them. Show them that no sin is to big or that there is nothing to wrong. That you love them unconditionally. And that they are worthy of it. I ask, oh heavenly Father, that you will show them how you see them though your eyes. May my classmate hear your voice, along with all the other bar patrons. Also, Lord I have a friend that sits here tonight reading this post that needs to hear from you too. Lord, thank you for your faithfulness, your forgiveness and your grace. Thank you for letting me hear and healing my heart and doing the same with all your children that will listen and cry out to you. I give all glory to you. In Jesus name I pray.. Amen
Psalm 91:14-15 (NIV)
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
September 11, 2010
My first post- it's about sex- why not??
On my heart lately, I have been dealing with my singleness. I have been learning the fact that Jesus is my husband and how to have a close and intimate relationship with Him. God has showed me that I will raise my boys without a human partner, but not alone. And that there is freedom in being single.
Even though that is all good and peaceful, my body has been saying, “Hey wait!! what about SEX!!! NEVER AGAIN!!! COME ON!!”It is a hard question, so I asked God and I feel that His truth is satisfying. Here is my journey:
On the phone one day, my friend curiously said “ Hey, what’s up with those bugs. You know the ones that are always having sex.” ( which she was talking about the iridescent Japanese’s beetle) “ Why does God allow them to be so free with it and we can’t.” This seemed to aroused my curious too. ( no pun intended )
By all means, I have missed sex the most in my single life. And if you already don’t know me, I am going to try and find away around an obstacle to get what I want. I kept thinking “why bugs, not me.” Then I had a cleaver skeem, when I was reading in proverbs 6:26 (RSV) for a harlot may be hired for a loaf a bread, but an adulteress stalks a man’s very life. My bible footnoted adulteress as a man’s wife. WIFE!!! Whoa Hoo!!! That’s my ticket. I am not anyone’s wife and I know I don’t get paid for sex, because for some reason my checkbook tends to have less money in it after a relationship with a man. Lol
I become more excited when I double checked the 10 commandments. Thou shall not commit adultery. Adultery, guys hear that. I even went to the dictionary to double check the definition: adultery: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.
For some reason, I have always lumped all sexual acts outside of marriage as adultery. But God’s truth is about ready to change my past thinking. If I am not a harlot and not married that means I found my way around the dreadful sin. Hehe That was when I heard the gentle voice of God. Ann, there is a category for you too.
Ugh!! Ok, I listened. It’s called fornication. (voluntary sexual intercourse outside marriage.) It did look very promising when I started my search into the bible, the NIV and a various amount of other versions only had the word fornication in them 2-3 times. And the scriptures were talking about having idols. I couldn’t see what God was trying to say: What is it God you want me to hear?
Then I started into the King James Version, the grand dad of them all. There was 25 verses with the word in it. Two of the verses stuck out:
1 Corinthians 6:13 (King James Version)
Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (King James Version)
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
I don’t know about you, I can work my though the doeth, committeth, and sinneth, but I seem to need to search further to have something pop out at me. I started deeper into the this two scriptures and found this in the version of the Message bible. I would never start any search with this bible, but this time I don’t think I could say it any better.
1 Corinthians 6: 9-20 (Message bible)
9-11 Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit.
12 Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.
13 You know the old saying, "First you eat to live, and then you live to eat"? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!
14-15 God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.
16-20 There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
I know that I can not say much more after that. But …He died for “ ME, not bugs.”
1 Corinthians 7:2 (KJV) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Even though that is all good and peaceful, my body has been saying, “Hey wait!! what about SEX!!! NEVER AGAIN!!! COME ON!!”It is a hard question, so I asked God and I feel that His truth is satisfying. Here is my journey:
On the phone one day, my friend curiously said “ Hey, what’s up with those bugs. You know the ones that are always having sex.” ( which she was talking about the iridescent Japanese’s beetle) “ Why does God allow them to be so free with it and we can’t.” This seemed to aroused my curious too. ( no pun intended )
By all means, I have missed sex the most in my single life. And if you already don’t know me, I am going to try and find away around an obstacle to get what I want. I kept thinking “why bugs, not me.” Then I had a cleaver skeem, when I was reading in proverbs 6:26 (RSV) for a harlot may be hired for a loaf a bread, but an adulteress stalks a man’s very life. My bible footnoted adulteress as a man’s wife. WIFE!!! Whoa Hoo!!! That’s my ticket. I am not anyone’s wife and I know I don’t get paid for sex, because for some reason my checkbook tends to have less money in it after a relationship with a man. Lol
I become more excited when I double checked the 10 commandments. Thou shall not commit adultery. Adultery, guys hear that. I even went to the dictionary to double check the definition: adultery: voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and a partner other than the lawful spouse.
For some reason, I have always lumped all sexual acts outside of marriage as adultery. But God’s truth is about ready to change my past thinking. If I am not a harlot and not married that means I found my way around the dreadful sin. Hehe That was when I heard the gentle voice of God. Ann, there is a category for you too.
Ugh!! Ok, I listened. It’s called fornication. (voluntary sexual intercourse outside marriage.) It did look very promising when I started my search into the bible, the NIV and a various amount of other versions only had the word fornication in them 2-3 times. And the scriptures were talking about having idols. I couldn’t see what God was trying to say: What is it God you want me to hear?
Then I started into the King James Version, the grand dad of them all. There was 25 verses with the word in it. Two of the verses stuck out:
1 Corinthians 6:13 (King James Version)
Meats for the belly, and the belly for meats: but God shall destroy both it and them. Now the body is not for fornication, but for the Lord; and the Lord for the body.
1 Corinthians 6:18 (King James Version)
Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body.
I don’t know about you, I can work my though the doeth, committeth, and sinneth, but I seem to need to search further to have something pop out at me. I started deeper into the this two scriptures and found this in the version of the Message bible. I would never start any search with this bible, but this time I don’t think I could say it any better.
1 Corinthians 6: 9-20 (Message bible)
9-11 Don't you realize that this is not the way to live? Unjust people who don't care about God will not be joining in his kingdom. Those who use and abuse each other, use and abuse sex, use and abuse the earth and everything in it, don't qualify as citizens in God's kingdom. A number of you know from experience what I'm talking about, for not so long ago you were on that list. Since then, you've been cleaned up and given a fresh start by Jesus, our Master, our Messiah, and by our God present in us, the Spirit.
12 Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean that it's spiritually appropriate. If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I'd be a slave to my whims.
13 You know the old saying, "First you eat to live, and then you live to eat"? Well, it may be true that the body is only a temporary thing, but that's no excuse for stuffing your body with food, or indulging it with sex. Since the Master honors you with a body, honor him with your body!
14-15 God honored the Master's body by raising it from the grave. He'll treat yours with the same resurrection power. Until that time, remember that your bodies are created with the same dignity as the Master's body. You wouldn't take the Master's body off to a whorehouse, would you? I should hope not.
16-20 There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever—the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please, squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
I know that I can not say much more after that. But …He died for “ ME, not bugs.”
1 Corinthians 7:2 (KJV) Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband.
Welcome to my journey!!
I would like to tell you a little about me and then a little about what you will experience here.
First, my name is Ann. I am a mother of 2 wonderful boys and became a single mother one cold winter night in December 2001. I have found myself in care of people or food service all my life. My experiences have taken me into many various jobs, traveled to different locations around the world, I have met all kinds of people, but it has also lead me to Jesus Christ in November of 2002.
My mission with this blog is to share the walk that I have had or am having with our almighty God….
I have found God to be a great story writer and my hope is that my story will help in your walk in someway.
Let the journey begin…
First, my name is Ann. I am a mother of 2 wonderful boys and became a single mother one cold winter night in December 2001. I have found myself in care of people or food service all my life. My experiences have taken me into many various jobs, traveled to different locations around the world, I have met all kinds of people, but it has also lead me to Jesus Christ in November of 2002.
My mission with this blog is to share the walk that I have had or am having with our almighty God….
I have found God to be a great story writer and my hope is that my story will help in your walk in someway.
Let the journey begin…