I wear many hats… as an employee, a daughter, a friend, a single mom. That list could go on and on. I believe though the most hats I wear has to be when it comes to me being a single mom. Here is my journey…
I became a single mom at Christmas time of 2001. My boys were two and four years old. It was as though I packed my bag with a new amount of hats that I would be wearing over the next years. As any single parent knows, there is many roles that are needed to be filled.
Cook, maid, teacher, disciplinary, judge, nurse, chauffer, comforter, head of house and bread winner. I am sure that there is even a lot of two parent homes that do those roles alone also. However, I have found that there is one hat that has been very hard for me to wear. It is the daddy cap.
This cap seems to be too big, no matter how I try to distort it. It seems to always be to big to fill. When I place it on, I turn into the character that is spilt down the middle - female on one half and male on the other. I battle with the fact that I am trying to raise my boys, as a woman acting like a man. And said like that makes it sound very frightening.
I have many of times horse played with my boys, just as boys do. Then wondering if I am actually showing them how to be a man, or if I am showing them how to treat a woman. The daddy cap is tricky one. In our case, the boy’s biological father has is absent in their life. They have seen him on a couple occasions and get a rare phone call. But they don’t have him to model being a man after.
I have been told that a woman can not raise a boy, by more than one person. Statically it is proven that majority of boys don’t succeed in single mother homes. It humbles me to know that I can not do it by myself. It has been shown to me time and time again that I am not equipped. But I know who is and I rely on Him to fill the hat that I can not. His name is Jesus.
I giggle because the story sounds so defeated, but I know better. First, God is our father. Even when our earthly one is absent. The love that God shows to my children is unimaginable. As their mother I can not even love them as much as God does. I have seen my children receive His love, His peace, His comfort. When I first was handed this cap, I had a strong argument with God. I yelled at Him, saying, “why , would you put me in this position, if I can never wear the hat.” He said to me, “it is not for you, it is for me to wear.”
It has not always been easy for my boys and I. But God never said it was going to be easy. Nevertheless, God has delivered in all of our needs. Isaiah 54:13 states All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace. How can I ask anything more than that?
Without being bias, my boys are growing into very respectful, honest, trustworthy young men. I have been blessed by wonderful male mentors for the boys through coaches. Overall, the boys are learning a lesson from their loss of an earthy father, which will mold them into the fathers that they will be in the future.
In my journey, I am so happy that God told me to hand Him that daddy cap. It makes it so much easier to wear the bouquet of motherhood.
My prayers ask God to show me the way, who I am and what my purpose is… Every prayer has a plea for an answer. Then when He tells me what I have begging for… sometimes I say “Why did I ask!?!.”
Here is some of my journey…
Have you ever been so determined to have God answer a question to get an answer that you were not expecting? This has happened so many times in my walk with God.. . I have been removing things from the life that are distractions, like playing City Ville on Face book, long endless phone calls, and washing dishes. Dishes?!? Yes, dishes, I found that buying a cheap disposable plates saves me a lot of time in a day. LOL The wasted time has been consciously transferred into time spent with God. The presence of God is where I find a lot of my questions answered.
I can omit freely that I have been desiring a marriage relationship for awhile now. Lately, the big question has been, “ God when will you grant me a husband.” I was sitting the other day realizing that it has been 9 years since my ex husband and I separated. It has not been always an easy road but I always believed that God has always had me in the right place. Since my recent trip on the dating path, my desire had been getting stronger.
As the time passes, I have found myself asking the question even more. The answers that God has given me have not been my life mate in front of me. That would be way to easy….
God has showen me how my health needs improving. He has showed me that our relationship, the most important, is a demonstration of a marriage and it needs some work. Then the big one… He told me, what is wrong with me and the things I need to work on. WHAT?!? I asked for a partner not a mirror to look into.
I wonder why I even asked… Now I need to work on my health, become more intimate with God, AND work on ME.
As so often, my stubbornness perks up in me. I stomped my feet saying, I have been working on me for 9 years. I think that is enough. As God replies “Yes, and stubbornness is one of the things you need to add to your list to work on.”
In my walk with God, He has not always answered the questions the way that I wanted Him too. Actually, it was very rare that it happened that easy. I have gotten YES, NO and here is something BETTER as an answer. But, no matter which one, a time to wait, a sacrifice that needed to happen, or a lesson that needed to be taught has been attached to it. Nevertheless, every time I received exactly what I needed… at the right time and being matured in the process.
Even though, I have not enjoyed some answers, the waiting, or the self reflection, I have come to realize that God has my best interest in mind. Knowing that it is important that I must take the time for the things God has presented to me. To be obedient to his requests. And in some odd way knowing that He is preparing me for something great.
What have you been asking God for? Are you getting the answer that you have been looking for? Do you have faith that God has the perfect plan? Is God able?
Ephesians 3:19- 20 (Amp) 19 [That you may really come] to know [practically, through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] [unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]! 20 Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--
Do you dare ask???
The word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.” – Jeremiah 1:4-5
As a very young child, I was taught who I was, just as you were. Life seems to mold you into an identity. Even though the identity is not 100% ours, we tend to claim it. I found that there is a theft that is stealing the truth, take a walk with me through my journey…
My first 3 memories are being molested, a big argument between my mother and grandfather, and my mother moving out of my father’s house. As a little 5 year old, the silence and confusion, taught me that it was my fault, I did something to break my family apart. I took on the identity of a pacifier.
The many years of a custody battle, molded me into who I was. Degrading comments from each of my parent’s houses towards the other parent, showed me that my feeling were wrong. Even though I loved both of my parents, hearing the other parent, that I loved very much, say such hurtful things crushed my feelings. I took on the identity of unemotional.
The years of being a pawn in the battle had taken my voice. I was silenced because it was easier to be quiet then to stir up trouble, or be in the middle. Along with developing codependency and feeling worthless.
Having a parent of a friend call me “two ton Tillie” and a close relative tell me how much I “stunk” and how “dirty” I was, as they ripped my clothes off. Causing me to develop a poor self image. I hated to look in the mirror, I didn’t like what I saw… my body or what was in it.
I left my childhood homes, with the identity of being a shy, unemotional, fat, codependent pleaser. That is who I was. I see now, how that shaped the years to follow.
I had a terrific fear of dating, because I knew that sex was all men wanted. I avoided it for the longest. Until one day, I became pregnant with my first “boyfriend” and evenly raped by him. The pregnancy was terminated because that is what he said needed to be done. When I met my ex husband, I secretly couldn’t believe that he would want to be with me, I was unworthy, fat, dirty, and plain out … junk. I did believe though, that there was some magical fairy dust that would be sprinkled over my prince charming and I and we would live happily ever after. As my co dependency arose, our relationship crumbed.
As our marriage ended, I drank a lot to find my way to an unemotional state. I had multiple affairs and gave into my curiosity with homosexuality. Even though, I was holding tight to an identify that I claimed to be mine, God started to show me differently.
A counselor told me about my codependency, I was taught how to deal with my emotions and I learnt how God sees me. How much He loves me…. Oh, how he loves me. He slowly has taking the my true identity that was stolen from me and giving it back. Removing the pieces of identity that is not true, wiping the mirror so I can see the beauty that He formed along time before I was born.
This has not been easy or fast, but I am not the same person I was before I met God. I am confident in the identity that God has given me. Connecting with my maker, has showed me that I am not a shy, unemotional, fat, codependent pleaser.
My dear friend, I pray that God will show you who you are. The true you…
God loves you so much, He create you in His perfect image.
(Genesis 1:27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God. He created him; male and female, He created them.)
You are wonderfully, perfectly made... So what identity has been stolen from you???
I have added the Veggie Tales story, A Snoggle’s tale to this post for you to watch. God bless you.
I have one question for you… What is the only thing that keeps you from Heaven???
Please, take a moment and think of your answer. Knowing the true answer might change your life.
Walk with me through my journey…
I walked into my friend’s house, as I did so many times, finding her lifeless. I wasn’t shocked by her death, she was an older woman at the end of her life. Many conversations within the last year, she had talked about wanting the pain to stop and how she was awaiting death. Within that 24 hours she talked about, how she had reconciled everything with God and was ready to go home.
I went to bed that evening thinking that she was probably going to fall into deep sleep waking in God’s presences. I arrived with another reality. My dear friend had taken her life. I remember, standing in shock when I saw her. I don’t know how long I stood there.
Emotions … Every one of them engulfed me.
The hours to follow were mere blur. Police, ambulances, family, friends, memories…
Arriving home, with the only truth that I knew… SUICIDE EQUALS HELL, the guilt was so bounding. I couldn’t even move. I keep thinking I should of said more to her, I should of stayed that night so she wouldn’t of been alone. I know if I would of known, I would of never left her.
My only prayer was “why”.
Our faithful God, as He always does, shows us the truth. I had to make a phone call to an friend, which happens to be an ex pastor. I didn’t even have to say my burden and the Holy Spirit spoke right though him. My friend’s question to me was the same one that I asked you before. What is the only thing that keeps you from going to Heaven?
The answer is the denial of Jesus. That is the only thing that keeps you from Heaven.
John 3:16 (NIV) For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.
It’s not sin, Jesus defeated sin by hanging on the cross and being rose three days later. Self- murder is a sin not a belief.
I have an idea, why she would of choose to end her life. The one thing is that I can not tell you the state of her thinking in her private times, the demonic forces that taunted her, and her spiritual condition. Only God can judge and truly know the spiritual condition of her soul and know her final decisions of belief, as in any case of suicide.
After hearing how the day before her death played out, I could not help but wonder why me. There was other people that could of found her after her last breath. Why do so many times, I close my eyes and see her face, lifeless. Why was I placed in the moment, why not someone else? I believe with all my heart that everything happens for a reason and there is nothing untouched by God.
I closed my eyes one day, and heard God’s whisper say to me. “See her face, don’t let her death be in vain. Open your mouth and go tell.” My life will be ever changed, I have a close relationship with our Heavenly Father. I just never told anyone. I now have a deep desire to know where my friend’s and families’ souls are going after death. So every time, I close my eyes and see her, my purpose in this event is right in front of me.
As a hind sight, I can recognizes that there was a couple of times she tried before. To be disappointed because she opened her eyes to me, not her Heavenly Father. I didn’t see her attempts before, I wasn‘t suppose to. Someone else could have been the one to find her, but I would of never found a new purpose, and been motivated to find a way to make her death not be in vain. Must of all I would of never had discovered that I carried a lie around so many years. The truth SUICIDE DOES NOT EQUAL DEATH would not of replaced it.
Overall, I want to say… suicide is never easy. It effects so many. After my involvement in this suicide, my heart has deep compassion for the family, friends, community, and all that have to walk down this path. It is hard to close your eyes to see the image of death, fight off guilt of not saying, loving or being there enough, or understanding why.
If I can give you encouragement in that, God is in complete control and He knows so much more than we can ever image. We don’t always know why, but He promises us peace beyond understanding.
Dear God, I pray that your peace be with the family, friends, community and all that walk down the path of a suicide loss. I ask Heavenly Father that you will make good out of this death, that the death will be used for the good of your kingdom. I ask that you will hold, comfort, and guide the ones that are overwhelmed with guilt, loss or confusion. Heavenly Father, we thank you for the time that we got to spend with our dear loved one, thank you for allowing us to be a part of their lives and all the blessing from their presence. Thank you for being here in our time of loss. In Jesus name, Amen.
Job 12:10 (NIV) In his hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind.
Wake up
Get ready for day, drinking coffee in hopes it will open up my eyes and kick in quick.
Wake up kids and get them out the door, hearing “where is my shoes,” thinking I don’t even know where mine are.
Putting make up on, hunting for keys, and grabbing a snickers for breakfast as we run out of the door.
Yelling “come on, hurry, we are out of time.”
Push down the road, with the burden of knowing that I once again didn’t get the plumber called to fix the clothes washer. Reminded of the piles of clothes that are building, and dishes, bills and other things that are piling and becoming overwhelmed.
Having one of the kids say, “Hey, you need to sign this and I need money for pizza today“, as I sit in the line of parents waiting for me to move so they can continue on with their day.
I look at the time and see that I have only 5 minutes once again to get to work, and also notice that I have no gasoline and knowing that I can’t make it one more time to work, because I have not had time for the last 2 trips to stop for a fill up.
I stop at the closest gas station, the frustration of not doing it last night builds up in me, fear comes over, because if I am late again after warnings from my boss that today could be the day I am sent home without a job.
I pump just enough to get by, so I can be on time to work but knowing later that day after work I will have to drive an hour and half to get to your son’s ball game….
I know that all of us can relate to this agenda in some way or another. Sadly it doesn’t even include the work loads that are put on us in dead end jobs. The repeating of evenings that we are so busy that are kids are left to find their own ways or without one of their parents that are too busy. The heartache it brings within our marriages and other relationships. The stress that we experience, that keep us from restful sleep, the tossing and turning that haunts us not only at night but every minute of the day. The pressure that is placed on us to work harder, to do more, to achieve higher levels, to entertain, to be there in all matters, to solve, to carry burdens for others.
I believe that this is not the way God wants us to live and He has a different agenda for us. Here is my journey…
When I separated from my husband ( now ex- husband) I was working two job, raising two very young boys alone, and a big burden of debt. I had the whole world placed on my shoulders. I was the provider, I was the comforter, the strength, the worrier, the ox that carried the load.
I remember being so angry because it was laid on “ME”, but stubborn enough that I worked though it year after year to prove I was strong enough. Which the truth was that I was just tired, broken, hurt, burdened, mad and scared.
I gave myself this big pep talk every time I drove to work. I tried very hard to hide the anger I had as I worked in the pressure of doing 3 persons job and watched others stand around talking. I cried my way home to face the burden of raising my children alone. Most nights finding myself falling asleep on the couch with my kids wrapped in my arms.
I was so scared to quit my job, it was a higher paying and it was in my mind the only way to support my family and cover the debts that I had from my divorce. I remember being in prison in that fear. Until one day, God whispered to me. “Do you think I can do it? Relax, watch, listen and learn that I am the one that can... be confident in who I am. “
Even though it was beyond MY better judgment, I quit my job. I walked out in faith that God was in control and had my best interest in mind. At that moment I know that my obedience and faith in God broke the chains that kept me held back. God had changed our relationship, because I placed my life in his hands.
I want to report, that I remember cleaning my house and catching up on the 'need to do' list. After about three days, I didn’t have much to do but wait… BE STILL and KNOW I AM (Psalms 64:10). I even clearly remember a few weeks into it sitting and tapping my fingers on a wooden stool, saying to God, “ I will sit here until you guide me, even if it takes forever. “
Even though two months past without a pay check, the job God lead me into paid half the amount an hour than the one before. I never missed a payment on the bill, I never have went for lack, I have paid all my debts full, and my confidence in God has never been so strong.
I found that having less busyness, stress, fear and anger gave me time to focus on what God has to show me. I have been able to raise my boys on a part time job, without lack and sit here today with more than I ever had. I have been able to bless others because I am able to free my time and apply my gifting where they are needed. God’s council and voice is heard though the silence of focusing on Him.
It makes me so sad to sit and watch how the pressures of our society force people into busyness, and fear. Remember when there was Walmart’s that closed at night, even when you had to go to the grocery store on Saturday for your Sunday meal. I had a coworker tell me that he wished there was more hours in a day, I believe that those extra hours will be filled quickly with the hustle and busyness as the other hours that he experiences everyday.
Could you image the world if we would not have anything to do, if we didn’t have our children in every activity, we didn’t think that it was important to keep up with the Jones and that money was not our motivation. If we said “no” once, and that we choose to not allow the pressures of taking all the burden on for ourselves. If our faith, our confidence in God was strong, strong enough to lay our life into His hands. If we would be living in our purpose.
My dear friend, I don’t always get this right. I catch myself adding one more thing to my plate and finding myself.... Tired, stressed, confused, and frustrated. Which is when I know that I have just picked up the burdens again. But life is to short, our childern are to precious to not have a parent at home with them, our time is limited on who we bless and how many times we laugh. God doesn’t give us a mind of confusion, or a agenda of busyness. If Jesus walked His path as so many of us do, would He had been able to heal and minister to so many. He might of even missed He ultimate purpose on the cross.
I challenge you to make an appointment with God. Experience how He is your provider, the comforter, the strength, the worrier, the ox that carries the load. Let Him show you, your purpose, your new agenda and LIVE…. Your time is running out.
Psalms 81 ( MB)
6-7 "I took the world off your shoulders,
freed you from a life of hard labor.
You called to me in your pain;
I got you out of a bad place.
I answered you from where the thunder hides,
I proved you at Meribah Fountain.
8-10 "Listen, dear ones—get this straight;
O Israel, don't take this lightly.
Don't take up with strange gods,
don't worship the latest in gods.
I'm God, your God, the very God
who rescued you from doom in Egypt,
Then fed you all you could eat,
filled your hungry stomachs.
11-12 "But my people didn't listen,
Israel paid no attention;
So I let go of the reins and told them, 'Run!
Do it your own way!'
13-16 "Oh, dear people, will you listen to me now?
Israel, will you follow my map?
I'll make short work of your enemies,
give your foes the back of my hand.
I'll send the God-haters cringing like dogs,
never to be heard from again.
You'll feast on my fresh-baked bread
spread with butter and rock-pure honey."
I posted “Blink” by Revive to listen with this message
